Archive for February, 2011

February 23, 2011

Jagged Little Pill

Today was my first official day of being on anti-depressants. I’m not  sure what I should say about this, other than I’m still not sure if I want  to tell people about the fact I’ve chosen to be medicated. Which seems  contradictory to the fact I’m putting out on the internet for just anyone  to read.

Here’s the deets: I’m on Celexa at a 20 mg dose. Nothing major, I have  to see if I need a bigger dose than that or if that’s all my brain needs.

I’ve felt one side affect so far and that is the fact that I woke up this morning feeling like I woke up from death. You know when you stay up until 4 am and then have to get up at 6 am for work, and it’s as if your body just cannot comprehend why you’re awake and why it got so little sleep? That’s what this morning felt like. I was in a sleepy stupor for much longer than usual, and my body felt incredibly sluggish and heavy. In fact, I had to buy an energy drink (I don’t drink coffee) to help kick my butt into gear. This lasted about an hour and a half, and thanks to the energy drink, I was good for the rest of the day. I’m not looking forward to this side affect so much tomorrow, but I bought a few more energy drinks in case this becomes a re-occurring side affect for the first few weeks.

Other than my zombie-like state this morning, nothing else to report. Life carried on as usual. I got to eat Chinese food for dinner tonight =)

Real gold fears no fire,

Torrie.

February 22, 2011

Jar of Hearts – Christina Perri

I know I can’t take one more step towards you
Cause all that’s waiting is regret
And don’t you know I’m not your ghost anymore
You lost the love I loved the most
I learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time
And who do you think you are
Running ’round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You’re gonna catch a cold
From the eyes inside your soul
So don’t come back for me
Who do you think you are
I hear you’re asking all around
If I am anywhere to be found
But I have grown too strong
To ever fall back in your arms
And learn to live half alive
And now you want me one more time
And who do you think you are
Running ’round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You’re gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don’t come back for me
Who do you think you are
Dear, it took so long just to feel alright
Remember how to put back the light in my eyes
I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed
Cause you broke all your promises
And now you’re back
You don’t get to get me back
And who do you think you are
Running ’round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You’re gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don’t come back for me
Don’t come back at all
And who do you think you are
Running ’round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You’re gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
Don’t come back for me
Don’t come back at all
Who do you think you are?
Who do you think you are?
Who do you think you are?

February 14, 2011

Doctor, doctor give me the news…

I’ve got a bad case of lovin’ you!

Haha, just kidding. Now that I’ve started my post with a love song, I’ll follow up with a big

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Tee hee ;)

But in all seriousness, I finally got the balls to go to my doctor’s appointment in regards to my depression. Okay, it was actually with a Health and Wellness Consultant. I didn’t know these existed prior to today. All we did really is talk about my being depressed and what I thought needed to happen in regards to it. I told her straight up that I wanted to try medication because nothing otherwise has made a significant enough impact for me. All the fresh air and exercise ain’t curing my bad moods.

She agreed and I made an appointment next week to see my doctor again to get a prescription. However, I’ve also been instructed to try the 5 areas of wellness (not sure if that’s exactly what she called them, I know there’s 5) which are as follows:

1. Socially – I’ve been instructed that when I get into a bad mood to force myself to do social things and to see people, so that I don’t sleep all evening and isolate myself (which currently is a frequent time consumer)

2. Emotionally – This is tied in with mentally too. I need to make sure I am sleeping, eating and getting physical exercise, which will directly affect my mood and mentality. I also have to start taking melatonin to sleep.

3. Mentally –  See above.

4. Physically – Engaging in physical activities, but also engaging in hobbies and interests regularly. If I’m starting to head down, bake some cookies or work on a painting.

5. Spiritually – She said this is not religious, but a matter of making sure the heart and mind are in tune with one another. No real guidance on this one. Going to try to do more biblical reading and devo times.

All, in all, that was my trip to the doc’s. As a result, we’re now going to convert part of the basement into more an actual art studio for me and I’ll be going for more walks. I’m optimistic about it all; hopefully I’ll find an answer soon.

Real gold fears no fire,

Torrie xoxo

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February 10, 2011

Marriage is not overrated people!

In honor of Valentine’s Day coming up on Monday, I want to dedicate a post to my awesome husband and our marriage. This may be a little early, but I love the dude and want to let the world know that I feel that way all the time not just on a holiday.

Marriage is NOT overrated – it is the bomb.com. Seriously, whether you’re walking with God or not, marriage rocks. I know there’s a whole mentality out there these days that marriage a sham. I say this with all seriousness and conviction: Marriages are a sham because those people treat it like a sham. They don’t believe it. They don’t enter marriage with the attitude that there is no easy way out and they believe that it will be all fun and sunshine and lots of sex.

The reality is that marriage is  a lot of work. A lot. I can’t express how much “work” it really is. I put work in quotations because it’s not the work you think you’ll have to do. Things like compromising, or learning to share a bathroom. It’s working on putting my husband ahead of me all the time. I have to daily make an effort to honor my hubby by doing and saying things that are for his benefit, not mine. Things like telling him I really appreciate how he takes care of our house and makes sure our vehicles running. And doing things like doing the dishes for him even though it’s his turn. Why do I do those things? Why wouldn’t I? If I love him more than I love myself, so why shouldn’t I express that through my actions and words?

That’s the key problem for most marriages that fail, I think. (Now I am no expert, this is purely observation and late night musings, so if I offend I apologize in advance) The reasons marriage fail ultimately is that the people who entered the marriage are too selfish. Plain and simple as that. You can list “irreconcilable differences” as the reason for divorcing. What does that even mean? To me that means that someone couldn’t look past their own wants to see how they could honor and love their spouse. Marriage is not about “What can you do for me?” it’s all about “What can I do for you?” Marriage is not overrated – it’s the most pure and beautiful and intimate thing that God has created for us. I married my best friend and can’t imagine not being with them. Do I view my marriage as perfect and am I happy with it always? Hell to the no. But I’m still committed and I still want to put my hubby’s needs before my own. I want to honor him the same way he honors me by sacrificing my wants and needs for his. Do I fail at this? Yes. Does he fail at this? Yes. Does it mean either one of us is entitled to get mad and accuse the other? No (however, this does happen unfortunately).

The point I’m trying to make is that despite my short comings and my husbands, we are both 100% committed to making our marriage last. No matter the personal cost, financial cost, anything. The order of things I love descend in this order: God, my husband, my family, my friends, myself. It should be that way. Is being married probably the one relationship I’ll put the most work into? Definitely. But it also has the greatest rewards. Nothing I gain for myself will be as good as what I receive in my marriage.

Why do I love my husband? Because he’s my best friend and I honestly do not know what I would do with myself if something happened to him. Those that know us could describe us as the matching halves to a whole. He is my yin to my yang (cheesy, I know). I love how funny he is and how his light, carefree attitude helps my serious, negative attitude lighten up a bit. I love how he’s always in a good mood and how he spends most of his day just trying to make me laugh. I love how he looks at me, I love how he talks to me. I love that we can sit in silence and be comfortable with it. I love the look on his face when he gets caught doing something I asked him not to, ha! I love how he’s taller than me and I love how he loves cars (even though I dislike the cars sometimes). I love how he’s passionate about what he believes in and he stands for his beliefs no matter the cost. I love his confidence and that he’ll call the phone company for me to tell them I’m not satisfied with my current plan.  I love his eyes and the way he always holds my hand on his knee when we drive together. I love all of him, even the flaws and the parts that really, really annoy me. But the reason I love him most of all is because he loves me. Despite my flaws and my imperfections, he chose me =) How undeserving I am.

And that, is why marriage is not overrated.

Real gold fears no fire,

Torrie xoxo



February 8, 2011

A Balanced Life – Does this exist?

It’s nearly 10 pm as I start writing this entry and I feel like I have not done anything on my To Do list. This isn’t true because I’ve made sugar cookie dough, done dishes, sorted laundry, run a couple loads of said laundry, cleaned my kitchen, picked out new floors and made 2 more social life plans while rescheduling 2 more. But I feel like I haven’t done anything because I have paperwork sitting that is 2 weeks overdue, a work To Do list that includes taking a photo of myself for an ID badge, cut out flyers for category books and create activity cards.

My week includes/ed: Full work week (for me, not truly 40 hours) plus wings on Monday, dinner with inlaws Wednesday, coffee with girlfriend and dinner with married couple on Friday, dinner with married couple on Saturday and church on Sunday. I effectively have tonight and Thursday night to accomplish all I want to accomplish. I feel exhausted looking at my schedule. In fact, I’ve been wanting to write a post for a few days but haven’t found the time for it because when I actually have some down time I just want to sleep.

That being said, I have to really make an effort to have  a social life, a home life, a job and a spiritual life. I find it incredibly challenging to find a healthy balance between all of these. This week is unusual in how many social appointments I made, but I find that if I don’t force myself to make plans and to commit to them, I don’t have a social life at all. If I have a great social life, my home life suffers. If I have too much of a home life, my job and social life suffer. Nothing suffers from having a spiritual life that dominates all. I’m just guilty of not making enough time in my day for spiritual time with God. Shame on me. But I honestly want to know and want to hear how you find a balance between everything you do in life.

How do you find that happy balance between home, friends, marriage (if it applies to you, this could be significant other too), work or school, and God?

For those that read this blog and know me and access it via Facebook, please leave a comment! I know you’re all reading this, don’t be afraid to drop a thought or anything! I welcome it =) Discussions are greater when they are not one sided and in my head.

Now that I’ve gotten my “balance” of home life tonight, I suppose I should get onto the work life portion. Here’s to happy thoughts!

Real gold fears no fire,

Torrie.


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February 5, 2011

Productivity – 1

I feel accomplished and just need to let you all know about it. I already announced it on my Facebook status, but need to make an entire blog post about it apparently.

I cleaned my entire house, top to bottom, picked out new floors for the kitchen/bathroom/landing,  got groceries, took the time to cut up a bunch of fruit/wash it so we’ll actually eat it, and made banana bread and baked oatmeal. Productivity: 1 point.

Current score: Productivity – 1 Torrie – 1

I’m glad today tied up the score between my ability to get things done and my days of laying in bed all day.

But honestly, who doesn’t get a serious sense of satisfaction and accomplishment when you get at least 75% of your to do list done in one day? It’s tiring, but it will give me an entire week of no house related stress. I can sleep happy knowing my home is clean and my fridge is full. Hooray!

Speaking of home, the hubby and I had to pick out new flooring for the house (yes, had to pick it out. Long story short: Front door ruined floor at entrance, it matches everything else, ergo it must all be replaced) and we had a really great talk about materialism. And how we do not want to be those kind of people. This came up because we were talking about if it was really that important to have “nicer” floors or if just good old linoleum is all we really need. We’re getting linoleum (to replace linoleum).  To get back to the materialism thing, we just talked about how we see others in our lives, friends, family members, that claim they aren’t materialistic, yet contradict their claim with their profuse purchasing of clothing, new vehicles, expensive vacations, etc.  And how we just don’t want to put our happiness in the things we own. We’re on the same page about this, which is great!

How do we plan on living a non-material oriented life? By giving ourselves a reality check whenever we think we “need” something. Example: Do I really need another new t-shirt? No. Do I really need to replace all the carpet in the house because I don’t like that’s it’s white? No. Do I need to buy a brand new vehicle when I can’t drive mine anymore? No.

It’s not how either of us want to define ourselves or put our desires into. We also don’t want to raise our future children that way. Because I work with kids, I do get to see a glimpse of what today’s generation is taking for granted. Do I want my kids to think it’s acceptable to have a temper tantrum because they “need” a Nintendo DS because all their friends have one? No. Definitely no. Do I want my daughter(s) to think that they’ll only be happy with a Macbook and new jeans? No. I wasn’t raised to hold value in materialistic things and today it seems like that’s where society puts it’s hope for happiness into.

Me? I say, no thanks. Why? Because this life is fleeting – I am here temporarily. When I die, I can’t take my new cars or expensive jeans with me. If I choose to live a life that is not based on the things of this world, but instead one based on Christ then I am set up for purpose and fulfillment. I am here for a reason greater than to have an expensive house.

And no amount of new jeans will ever make a girl truly content with her life.

Real gold fears no fire,

Torrie xoxo

February 3, 2011

I Used To Be Fat

Well, not me. But other people have been!

I’m watching the title show on MTV right now, and I have a love/hate relationship with the show. (By love/hate, I mean like/dislike – I don’t have quite that strong of feelings) Every time I watch it, I’m impressed by the teens on the show that have the gusto and determination to lose large amounts of weight in relatively short amounts of time. 90 lbs in 12 weeks? Amazing! I love the show because I think “Finally! A show on MTV that’s honest. And it’s about being healthy – how great!” I’ve seen Biggest Loser, and it’s a great show, but I Used To Be Fat doesn’t have a cash prize at the end. It’s just about overweight teens who lose the weight for the reward of feeling great about themselves and starting a new life as a thinner, healthier, version of them.

My hate (dislike) for the show is that it makes me think about my own weight. Now, I am absolutely by no means even relatively close to being overweight. I’m just shy of 5’7″ and weigh an average weight of 150 lbs. Technically, that’s 7 lb over my ideal weight for my weight. Realistically, I could lose double to triple that and still be in a healthy weight range. And honestly? That’s what I feel like my body should be at. I’ve been 143 lbs all my teenage/adult life (marriage has generously given me a few extra pounds that like to show up from time to time, and then disappear again) and I still am generally unhappy with my body.

Here are my complaints with my body: I carry my weight in my stomach and my hips (I’m sure like 99% of women), but not so disproportionally so that it gives me a “pear” shape. I carry my weight allover,  but when I get  a few pounds extra, my stomach gets a little rounder and my thighs get a bit wider. For anyone who knows, knows that my backside is one of my more memorable features. I got junk in my trunk and I am sure that no amount of working out will ever get rid of it. It’s my body shape (or a “black girl shape” as my family jokes) that I really love. I love being curvy  – I never want to be willowy or extrememly thin, I like my shape. I know that if I lost weight, I wouldn’t lose much of my shape. I’ve been down 15 lbs before and my hips and boobs are still around.

What’s the point in all this? I wish I had the motivation to work out. Eating healthy isn’t much of an issue. I have my vices (like the chocolate bar sitting on my nightstand right now) but I actually like eating baked oatmeal with non-fat yogurt and fresh fruit and high fibre, low carb stuff. It’s the working out that kills me. I know that I can make a number of excuses as to why, because, but, etc for not working out. The truth is that I just don’t make the time for it. And I know I should for my health, but also for my mental health. Working out creates endorphins, which is a huge help for depression.

I need to get my life together.

Real gold fears no fire,

Torrie