Archive for March, 2011

March 31, 2011

03.31.11

“You don’t have a soul.

You are a soul.

You have a body.”

– C.S Lewis

Hi all!

So after my few hiatus off here, I decided I should really get on here and write to myself. It has been an uneventful few weeks for me, with nothing but work and family really that have happened.

For those that I know I started an anti-depression medication at the end of February, I’m still taking it. I’ve now been on it for just over 5 weeks and it has been life-changing for me. My overall mood has increased and my perspective on life has changed dramatically! I think it’s fair to say that the husband I have fought significantly less in the last month than before. I enjoy my work more, I’m less stressed, I’m sillier with my husband, I laugh more and I genuinely feel like I’m enjoying life. Overall, this has been a great decision for me! I won’t say I recommend it to people who are suffering from some sort of depression because I’m not a doctor and I have no idea what I’m talking about. I just know that for me, it’s worked great!

Also, because of my new found love of life, my love of art has also returned. And let me say this : I missed you, art. I’ve worked on a few paintings and have started sketching again. It’s been so comforting, yet so freeing at the same time. I remember why I loved painting, why I loved seeing a sketch come to life. It’s just my love of my life (besides my husband and cat, ha!). I’m interested in other people’s art work again too. My cynical attitude that I carried for a few years about art and artists has been so stupid, for lack of a more eloquent word. I carried this chip on my should that artists were a joke and that they shouldn’t be taken seriously. I thought “what is art anyways? you can slap paint on a canvas and call it ‘art’. ” I’m not really sure where my negative attitude developed from, but I think the fact that I chose not to attend a good art school in a really cool city has something to do with it. I mean, my ideal world would be not working, even though I love my job, and just making art for a living. However, this is highly unrealistic as I am all too aware my own talent is not great enough to create a sustainable income for me and the hubs. So, I’ve come to terms that my art is for me and some friends/family and that is just as good. I’ve rediscovered that it’s not about if I can gain something from painting or drawing or whatever, it’s just about how I feel while I’m making it and the sense of accomplishment afterwards. Knowing “Hey! I made that!” is rewarding enough for me. I’m not interested in becoming a hipster and making it the sole focus of my life and bragging about it to others and trying really hard to be “artsy” because that’s just not who I am.

Speaking of who I am, over that last few weeks I had a big moment when I just sort of realizes who I was and wanted to be. I spent a lot of years wanting to be sort of “edgy”, rebellious, different, kinda bad-ass. I think that’s part of my personality – I’m not content being like everyone else because I know I’m different and I want to show that.  I realized a few weeks ago that that want to be edgy and BA wasn’t 100% driven by me, but by my angst and negativity. I always felt sort of like those coked-out rock stars – no reason to pick myself up and carry on, just dwell in the self-pity. I don’t feel like that anymore, and who I want to be doesn’t look like that anymore. I’m starting to see that I am a lot more girly than I thought. And I like it!  I feel like I relate best to that image of sort of feminine, soft, sweet, white, light pink, etc.

I feel the same way when you’re driving somewhere in the thickest fog and you feel so isolated and slightly afraid. You can’t see anyone or anything but the road ahead of you which now seems daunting and it feels as though it is the longest drive of your life. Doubt creeps in making you feel like you’ve missed your turn or taken a wrong one. You wish someone was with you because this is slightly terrifying and it’s not fair that you had to drive home in this weather. But once that fog clears you can see where you are, where you’re going and that you’re not alone! There are other cars on the road, there’s animals in the fields, and there are birds in the sky. You see the road miles ahead with homes and trees and other people! Instantly, you are comforted and reassured that you’re going the right way and that you’ll get to your destination.  You are confident in your path ahead because you know you took the right path and you’re going to get there just fine. No, better than fine. You’ll be great. =)

Real gold fears no fire,

Torrie.