Posts tagged ‘depression’

May 10, 2011

Dear Mental Illness

This is just a quick on the go post, but I found a website last night that I just had to share with the world.

It’s Dear Mental Illness and it spoke to my heart so much. It’s a place for people dealing with mental illness, either personally or through a friend/family member, to vent all their feelings in a letter to their mental illness. It was heartbreaking and empowering to read about others dealing with mental illness and how they are working through it.

I even wrote a letter to my depression. And the honest truth is that it was so satisfying to write. Something about personifying my depression as an evil villain and then having the freedom to tell him just exactly how i felt about his role in my life, was astoundingly comforting and empowering.

As I told my depression last night, I am going to royally kick it’s ass. :)

Real gold fears no fire,

Torrie xoxo

May 9, 2011

A new day is upon us!

I can’t believe it’s been a whole month since I posted. Mental note: Make this a better priority. Truth is I’ve wanted to post many times but just haven’t found the right words to put down. Even now, I’m not really sure why I’m on here writing. Hopefully something profound will come out of my thoughts.

I’m embarking on two very important journeys as of late and I’m excited to share both of them with whoever is reading my thoughts. 

The first journey is one for my health, both physical and mental. The hubs and I have jumped into a clean eating diet, and we are loving every bit of it. We dabbled in clean eating a bit about a year ago, but never really committed to it out of laziness and gluttony. Hard to admit but the reason we gave up on it was because we weren’t ready to give up some of our favourite daily indulgences! We’ve been on it for about 3 weeks now and it has made a world of difference for me.

For those that aren’t familar with clean eating, the principles are pretty straight forward. Clean eating is avoiding processed and refined foods, eating five to six times a day (I’m currently on my second meal of the day: fat free Greek yogurt with honeydew, walnuts and cinnamon!) and  reduced portion sizes. The first bit is the whole foundation for this diet. When I say diet I’m not referring to a short term meal change to gain results in my body shape or weight, I mean a diet as in my overall food intake. We’re making it a lifestyle change and we intend to stick with it forever and eventually raise a family on the same principles. This probably sounds daunting to some people but we find it to be really simple. We eat way more vegetables, appropriate protein portions, no refined sugars, flours or pastas, and dabble a bit into natural and organic products. I’m no advocate of organic products, but we inadvertently get them when we need some natural products that only seem to come in organic as well.  I even get to eat sweets occasionally, such as a Lemony Cream Tart from Clean Eating Magazine that I made this week. It’s basically a diet cheesecake – also known as heaven.

In combination with the clean eating, we’ve also taken on the challenge of losing 20 pounds each and running our first 5k and 10k runs this summer. I will be doing the 5k as I’m not much of a runner really, whereas the hubs definitely likes running more. So far our total weight loss is about 10 lbs between the two of us (about 5 lb each). 

Aside from the obvious health benefits of good diet and exercise, the mental health results have also been life changing for me. I can hardly describe the difference this has made for me on a day to day basis. Excluding all the preservatives, additives, artificial colours, refined sugars, etc from my diet has proven to provide me with better mental clarity, stability, focus, everything. No more sugar crashes, no more feeling like crap from eating fast food. It just feels great!

It seems like I’m jumping on the bandwagon with this new eating lifestyle, but I am just in love with it from every aspect.  I know that there’ll be days or times when we can’t adhere, like if we’re at a friend’s house for dinner or out at a restaurant, but everyone needs a little indulgence once in a while. Like I say, the idea of never eating chocolate again for the rest of my life has to be the most depressing thought. I will still eat chocolate. Just not as often perhaps ;)

As for my other journey, that will be for another post! =)

Real gold fears no fire,

Torrie xoxo

February 23, 2011

Jagged Little Pill

Today was my first official day of being on anti-depressants. I’m not  sure what I should say about this, other than I’m still not sure if I want  to tell people about the fact I’ve chosen to be medicated. Which seems  contradictory to the fact I’m putting out on the internet for just anyone  to read.

Here’s the deets: I’m on Celexa at a 20 mg dose. Nothing major, I have  to see if I need a bigger dose than that or if that’s all my brain needs.

I’ve felt one side affect so far and that is the fact that I woke up this morning feeling like I woke up from death. You know when you stay up until 4 am and then have to get up at 6 am for work, and it’s as if your body just cannot comprehend why you’re awake and why it got so little sleep? That’s what this morning felt like. I was in a sleepy stupor for much longer than usual, and my body felt incredibly sluggish and heavy. In fact, I had to buy an energy drink (I don’t drink coffee) to help kick my butt into gear. This lasted about an hour and a half, and thanks to the energy drink, I was good for the rest of the day. I’m not looking forward to this side affect so much tomorrow, but I bought a few more energy drinks in case this becomes a re-occurring side affect for the first few weeks.

Other than my zombie-like state this morning, nothing else to report. Life carried on as usual. I got to eat Chinese food for dinner tonight =)

Real gold fears no fire,


February 14, 2011

Doctor, doctor give me the news…

I’ve got a bad case of lovin’ you!

Haha, just kidding. Now that I’ve started my post with a love song, I’ll follow up with a big

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Tee hee ;)

But in all seriousness, I finally got the balls to go to my doctor’s appointment in regards to my depression. Okay, it was actually with a Health and Wellness Consultant. I didn’t know these existed prior to today. All we did really is talk about my being depressed and what I thought needed to happen in regards to it. I told her straight up that I wanted to try medication because nothing otherwise has made a significant enough impact for me. All the fresh air and exercise ain’t curing my bad moods.

She agreed and I made an appointment next week to see my doctor again to get a prescription. However, I’ve also been instructed to try the 5 areas of wellness (not sure if that’s exactly what she called them, I know there’s 5) which are as follows:

1. Socially – I’ve been instructed that when I get into a bad mood to force myself to do social things and to see people, so that I don’t sleep all evening and isolate myself (which currently is a frequent time consumer)

2. Emotionally – This is tied in with mentally too. I need to make sure I am sleeping, eating and getting physical exercise, which will directly affect my mood and mentality. I also have to start taking melatonin to sleep.

3. Mentally –  See above.

4. Physically – Engaging in physical activities, but also engaging in hobbies and interests regularly. If I’m starting to head down, bake some cookies or work on a painting.

5. Spiritually – She said this is not religious, but a matter of making sure the heart and mind are in tune with one another. No real guidance on this one. Going to try to do more biblical reading and devo times.

All, in all, that was my trip to the doc’s. As a result, we’re now going to convert part of the basement into more an actual art studio for me and I’ll be going for more walks. I’m optimistic about it all; hopefully I’ll find an answer soon.

Real gold fears no fire,

Torrie xoxo

January 24, 2011

Productivity – 0.

Current Song: Bass Down Low – Dev Ft. The Cataracts

I’m digging this son – as well as the new Britney Spears song! I know people say she ruined dubstep but as what feels like the only young adult who doesn’t listen to dubstep, I think it’s great!

I had great plans to do productive things today, but so far I managed to have a shower. And that’s it. Which is one step more than I managed to do yesterday. I’ve pretty much spent the last 48 hours in bed, eating and watching tv.

I think I need to address my big pink elephant in the digital room – my claim to depression. How to start in on a topic I’m uncomfortable discussing with myself, let alone the world wide web. I have had untreated depression probably since I was a kid. I know there’s people going “What? Kids don’t get depressed! You attention seeker, you.” But  I honestly believe I have, and I think my parents could attest to that. Well not my dad, since he won’t admit that he has untreated depression. but my mom would tell you that she’s seen it since I was probably like 11 or so. I’m 25-50% predisposed for clinical depression because my mom deals with anxiety problems, my dad has depression and his father was depressed/mental illness that resulted in hospitalization. It’s like I was doomed from the womb. I struggled with my depression more as I got older, and it really peaked around age 16 and has held steady since then it feels like. My parents seperated when I was 13, and finalized their divorce when I was around 15 I think. I don’t know exactly, but I do know that this divorce heightened my depression.  I guess deepened it would be a better description.

How to describe what depression feels like to someone who’s never experienced it… Let me try. The phrase I use that can give you a short and sweet answer is that “Every day is a bad day, sometimes I have good days.” Every day is a struggle to get out of bed, to find the energy to put on a happy face and to make it through the day without having a breakdown at some point. You’re on the verge of tears most days, and the stupidest things can choke you up. Like cheesy sentimental commercials on TV.  I have constant sickness or physical pain around. I never really get rid of colds, I get frequent headaches, stomachaches, sore joints or something just doesn’t feel “right” with my body. I wear a mouth guard to bed because I grind my teeth from stress and I chew my nails to the point of bleeding sores from stress. I have small moments of happiness in the midst of a daily sadness – I don’t know how else to describe it. My lows are lowest of low – everything seems pointless, I feel worthless and I can’t think of a good reason to get out of bed. My lows are like feeling sadness and anguish in the very deepest part of my soul. As though my world is over and nothing or no one can rescue me from it.

That’s the best way I can describe it. The last 4 days have been those low days and the reason I didn’t get out of bed for two days.

Real gold fears no fire,

Torrie xoxo